The Baghdad Clock Read online

  THE BAGHDAD CLOCK

  A BITTERSWEET TALE OF TWO GIRLS GROWING UP IN WAR-TORN BAGHDAD

  It’s 1991 and the Gulf War is raging. Two girls, hiding in an air raid shelter, tell stories to keep the fear and the darkness at bay, and a deep friendship is born. And while the city collapses around them, the sanctions bite and friends begin to flee, life goes on. People tend their gardens, go dancing and celebrate weddings, and the girls share their dreams, desires, school routines and first loves.

  In her brilliant debut novel, Shahad Al Rawi takes readers beyond the familiar images in the news to show the everyday struggle of Baghdad’s people, revealing the reality of growing up in a war-torn city that’s slowly disappearing in front of your eyes.

  For Saad and Ahlam

  For Shams and Shather

  This translation was made possible by a generous grant from Diwan Kufa.

  The author and translator particularly wish to thank its director, Kanan Makiya, for introducing them and supporting their collaboration.

  A cow came into her dream. Then a bicycle. Then a bridge. A military car. A cloud. Dust. A tree. A baby boy. An aeroplane. An abandoned house. A cat. A water tank. A street, a giraffe, a photograph. A song. A clock. A ship. One thing after another appeared in her dream as she got ready to weave a new one.

  The cow became bored and moved on. So did a sheep. Then a horse. Then the bicycle and all the other things in an unending, chaotic cycle.

  Is this a dream?

  I entered her dream. I rode the bicycle and chased after the other things, driving them all out of her head. I cleaned up her dream, left the clock on the wall, and departed.

  I shared her dreams because I do not dream at all. I do not know why people do it. What is this need of theirs to dream?

  Book I

  A Childhood of Obvious Things

  1

  Before she finished her story, I cut her off and got up from my seat. I went over to my mother and asked, ‘Mama, why aren’t my eyes green like Nadia’s?’

  ‘When you grow up, you’ll be like her.’

  I sat back down next to Nadia and told her, ‘When I grow up, my eyes will be green.’

  ‘They’re not going to change. Because your mother – her eyes aren’t green!’

  ‘But I’m taller than you.’

  She straightened up to her full height. I stood beside her and as I put my shoulder up against hers, I asked her mother, ‘Who’s taller?’

  ‘You are,’ her mother said.

  We sat back down on the ground. I began to like her; she began to like me. I told her about my grandmother’s house far away, and she asked, ‘Why do you love your grandmother?’

  ‘Because I’m her daughter,’ I said.

  She burst out laughing, not believing what I said but not knowing what to say. When it was time to go to sleep, she lay beside me on the rug we had brought with us from home. Her mother helped take off her black shoes and her long white socks and then covered us both up. She dimmed the lantern and moved it further away.

  Before I closed my eyes, I saw Nadia smiling as she slept. Her lips moved slowly, as though she were talking to herself. Surprised, I moved closer until my face was right in front of hers. I could see colourful phantoms moving around her forehead. I had never seen anything like these visions before. They appeared, disappeared, and then came back. I was seeing her dreams. This was the first time in my life I had entered someone’s dreams.

  At that moment, she began dreaming of me.

  She took me by the hand and flew with me high above the old houses of Baghdad. We kept rising, climbing higher and higher until we became small as bees that vanished into thin air.

  2

  On the second night, we arrived at the shelter with our families just before the sun went down. Before going inside, we began playing together on the small staircase that led inside. I jumped down to the ground from the second step. Nadia went up and jumped from the third step, so I did the same. She stood on the edge of the fourth step and hesitated. She changed her mind and came back down, unable to jump from such a height. The boys who were playing near the door came over. They went up the stairs, one after the other, and began jumping down and laughing together.

  While this was going on, the siren began wailing. I did not like its sound; no one did. I took Nadia’s hand, and we hurried over to where our mothers were sitting. Her foot knocked over the big lantern on the floor in the middle of the shelter, breaking the glass. Oil flowed out onto the tiles and the flame took several big steps across the wet floor. We froze in the dark while the blaze of light moved our shadows on the cement wall behind us.

  After a while, we heard the intense bombardment that followed the siren, violent explosions that came closer, little by little, and then began moving away. Once again, they approached and receded. The ground surged beneath us like a flimsy rug. All this time, our mothers kept saying prayers and reciting suras from the Qur’an.

  I was thinking about disappearing from this world. I got up and walked over to my mother in the darkness. ‘Mama?’

  ‘Yes, my love.’

  ‘Do you know what I want from you?’

  ‘What do you want?’

  ‘I don’t want to be here in this world.’

  Before I returned to my place, someone struck a match to light a cigarette. I saw my shadow dance on the wall. It grew bigger and spread over the ceiling of the shelter and then vanished. I stood still, thinking about my shadow. Where did it go this time? How do our shadows disappear out of this life? Am I actually just a shadow of myself?

  My spirit lives in that shadow, and it departs with it because it does not like being here in this world.

  I kept wishing someone would light another match so that my shadow would come back and I could talk to it. I wanted to ask, ‘How are you able to disappear so we no longer see you?’ But I remembered that shadows do not have voices, and I returned to my spot, slowly edging towards Nadia. It was so dark I could not see her, but I knew she was there.

  The planes went away. Fear departed with them, and then it was time to sleep. I stretched out on our small rug with its colourful lines. Nadia squeezed herself next to me and fell asleep. The cold ground gnawed at our bones. My mother put a heavy blanket over our bodies and tucked in our feet. Then I felt warm.

  I did not sleep that night either. I was watching Nadia’s dreams. It is a fun game to watch someone’s dreams when they are deep in sleep. In the morning, I told her about the dreams. She did not like that and said, ‘How horrible! Why are you spying on my dreams?’

  ‘Because I don’t know how to dream.’

  Many times in my life I tried to copy her beautiful dreams and insert them into my own sleep, but I always failed. I had to be content with watching these dreams of hers, and when I found them upsetting, I would clean out her head and banish the things she did not like.

  I got to know Nadia in the belly of this shelter that looked like a big concrete whale. A damp place fortified against the war, our fantasies flitted across the walls. We spent more than twenty nights in the shelter, that January in 1991 when the Baghdad sky blazed with planes and rockets. And during those long weeks we lived through fear, cold and hunger, sharing our hopes and dreams. We did not know at the time what was happening around us. We did not understand then what the war meant.

  Once, before we sat down on our rug, Uncle Shawkat walked over to us, smiling. He used to smile like that all the time. He gave Nadia a light pinch on the ear. He took her left wrist and used his teeth to leave the impression of a small watch on her skin. Then he took my left hand and did the same to me. His wife, Baji Nadira, came up and said to him, ‘Don’t do that!’

  Baji Nadira kissed us both tenderly and a
pologised. We smiled at her, and at the same time, we were looking at the watches that gradually disappeared. Uncle Shawkat went back to his place with a group of men gathered around a small radio that was broadcasting distant whispers. His wife went and sat between my mother and Nadia’s.

  After a while, many women went over to join them, talking about the war. Some young girls came and sat with us. I remember Marwa, Baydaa, Wijdan, Rita and Mala’ika, which means ‘angel’, but whom we called ‘devil’ for no good reason.

  ‘I’m not a devil!’

  ‘Yes, you are!’

  Mala’ika started crying and went to sit close to her mother, pointing at us and saying things we could not hear.

  Nadia and I got up and explored the different corners of the shelter. We counted the faces in the light of the lantern, wanting to know these people who lived around our neighbourhood. Here was Umm Rita, as Rita’s mother was called. Here was Abu Manaf, taking his nickname from his son Manaf, as well as Manaf’s sister Manal and his little brother Ghassan, asleep on his mother’s lap. Here was Umm Marwa, and Marwa’s brother Marwan. Here was Hind, and over there her father and mother. Nizar and his father and mother. Mayada and her family. Umm Ali and her grown-up daughters. (Umm Ali did not have a younger daughter who sat with us.) These people lived with Umm Salli. Here was Wijdan, along with her mother and sisters. There was Farouq and his mother and father. Here was Umm Mala’ika, whose actual name was Haifa, and here was Abu Mala’ika, whose name was Osama, and Mala’ika’s grandfather too. As for her grandmother, she covered her face with a black abaya and slept all the time. Here was Ahmad and his mother; his father was no longer with us because he was a martyr.

  3

  In my imagination, I took the people I saw in the shelter back to their houses on our street. I organised the houses in straight lines and used them to draw a big ship that resembled the neighbourhood where we were born. Then I drew white smoke rising slowly towards the clouds.

  I got to know all the houses. I knew the fathers, mothers, sons and daughters. In my mind, the neighbourhood became a geometric world of lines, squares and rectangles. Someone had only to ask me about one and I would close my eyes and say, ‘It’s the fourth house in that direction.’

  After that, the neighbourhood was no longer what I had imagined it to be: a vast, unlimited space. It had become small and clearly defined. When we get to know things, they are no longer as big as they used to be. I will prove it to you with an example. When you start school and learn about the size of galaxies, you begin to see Planet Earth as a little ball. Same thing with the moon and the sun: you begin to see them as small things, right? Big things are those we imagine before we know their limits.

  Have I made this idea clear? Some ideas need to be explained since we think them up by ourselves to start with. At first, the idea is born in our imagination, and when we want to talk about it with others, we do not know how to make them understand it perfectly like we do. So we need to explain it using simple examples. For instance, take a man who wants to make a bicycle. Let us suppose that he is the first person ever to make a bicycle. It starts with this idea born in his head. Then he draws it and says to himself, ‘If this bicycle doesn’t move, it will fall over.’ He explains it to his friend, but his friend does not understand and replies, ‘I’m standing in one place, and I’m not falling down. Listen, friend, I don’t need to move in order to stay upright.’ The one making the bicycle says, ‘That’s true, but are you able to make a wheel stand up without falling? Wheels don’t fall when they move.’ His friend replies, ‘Ah! Now I understand what you’re thinking.’ That is why we always need to clarify our ideas to others.

  When the war ended, we no longer went to the shelter every evening. I began spending time at Nadia’s house, or she would come to ours, and we would play together. Sometimes we would go out into the street by ourselves, but we would not go far. We would count the houses one by one and scribble on the walls with chalk. We drew big white faces and used different colours to draw small bodies and fingers. We drew Uncle Shawkat sitting on the sofa and wearing glasses. Baji Nadira sat next to him, laughing. Over their heads we drew a small sparrow without a cage. We drew Umm Rita with her broken arm in a sling. We drew the cat from Umm Manaf’s house looking out at us. We drew Ahmad’s father flying among the clouds, even though we had never seen him before.

  One day in April, most likely a Friday, I went with my parents to Al-Zawra Park. Nadia’s family was with us. So was Baydaa and her mother, but I do not remember if her father was there or not. We sat on the grass and ate the food we had brought from home. After a while, we left our families sitting there, and the three of us ran among the trees, trying to catch ladybirds. When we got close to the zoo, we threw some food to the hungry giraffes who lived in big cages.

  Baydaa pointed to a tall, round building and said, ‘That’s the Zawra Tower.’

  ‘But it’s smaller than the Ma’mun Tower,’ I said.

  Nadia, very sure of what she was saying, replied, ‘The Ma’mun Tower gets bigger every day.’

  During the holiday after Ramadan, Nadia went to visit her mother’s sister and I went to visit my father’s sister. When Nadia came back, she told me stories she had heard from her aunt and I told her stories I had made up.

  When winter came, it started raining and we went to school. I raised my hand and said to the teacher, ‘Ma’am, I would like to sit next to Nadia.’

  ‘Nadia with the green eyes?’ the teacher asked.

  ‘Yes, ma’am. She’s my friend, and when I grow up, my eyes are going to be green like hers.’

  The teacher laughed, but I did not. Sometimes, teachers laugh for no reason. I went and sat at Nadia’s desk, which was close to the window where cold air was coming in. I rubbed my hands together quickly because of the cold, and Nadia did the same. I rubbed out the mistakes I made during the dictation using Nadia’s colourful erasers, and every time I used them to erase the letters that were wrong, they gave off a smell I liked. I like making mistakes very much because I get to rub them out.

  Nadia always forgets things, and I always remember. Sometimes, when she gets distracted, I tell her, ‘Pay attention!’ And when I start dozing at our desk, she tells me, ‘Don’t fall asleep!’

  Once, in November, when I wanted to disappear because it was so cold, we left school to go home and Nadia came across a blind cat on the pavement. Small and white, it was wet and shivering from the cold. Nadia handed me her book bag and carried the cat against her chest.

  As for how we knew it was blind, that is not complicated. When you find a small cat and move your finger in front of its eyes, if it does not move its head back and forth, that means it cannot see.

  We built a small hut for it in the yard under the olive tree and left it sleeping there. Nadia’s mother was watching us from the window; she called to us and we went inside.

  ‘What are you doing in the yard when it’s so cold out?’

  ‘We found a kitten that’s going to die from the cold!’

  She gave us some food for our cat, which we put in front of it and waited. We were shivering from the cold. The cat smelled the food and turned its face away. We pushed the dish close to its mouth again, but it did not eat anything.

  After a while, my mother came looking for me and found me playing in Nadia’s yard. She was afraid because I was late getting home. I was surprised. How did my mother know I was late?

  I did not know anything about time except for seven-thirty when the school bell rang for the start of classes. I also knew one o’clock, when it rang a second time for the end of classes and we left to go home. There was another time that I did not know, a very long time that began at one in the afternoon and went until seven-thirty in the morning. Grown-ups use other times that we don’t know about.

  My mother was angry and gripped my hand. It was the first time I had ever been afraid of my mother, and I started to cry. Nadia ran to catch up with us, and when she saw my tears, she started cryin
g too. Umm Manaf was standing in her doorway, watching. Umm Manaf always stood in the her doorway watching the neighbours. Even when I went to school in the morning I would see her standing there, watching people.

  My mother was embarrassed by the situation. We went inside our house, and the first thing I did was change my clothes. After lunch, my mother took me back to Nadia’s house and left me there. Nadia and I played in her yard until evening. We brought lots of rags and some pieces of thick cardboard to put over the blind cat’s hut. ‘Go to sleep!’ we told it, and it did.

  That night, Nadia dreamed that I became a white cat. I was wet and shivered from the cold. In the morning, she discovered that our cat had vanished from the small house we had built for it the day before. She never found it again.

  How is it possible for a small blind cat to run away in the dark? Do you believe me when I tell you that such a thing happened to us?

  I closed my eyes in order to see the world like the blind cat. I saw an enormous empty space surrounded by a thin yellow border. Inside, visions of dim light appeared in circles that started small but then grew bigger and bigger until they disappeared. The blind cat lived in a world of circles that got bigger and bigger and then disappeared.

  Back then, Nadia’s dreams resembled the moving circles. Every time she found herself in trouble, standing in some high place where she could not take a step, she would call her mother as loudly as she could, but her mother would not hear. She would look at the deep chasms around her. She would fall in, but she would not die.

  In some of her dreams, her green eyes changed colour. She liked the colour of her eyes very much and was upset when they changed. Every morning when she woke up, she would go to the mirror to check that they were green, just as they had been before she went to bed. Then she would laugh at herself.

  I entered her dreams, like I told you at the beginning. I lived in them without anyone seeing me. Even if I called out to someone at the top of my voice, or I grabbed their hand, they would not see me. Only once, something happened that I did not expect. Devil Mala’ika was in one of the dreams, sitting next to the wall around her house. When I went up to her, she slapped my cheek, though I did not feel any pain.